HIPSTER DICKS: "PILOT"
Written by
W S
Additional Dialogue by P C
EXT. STATE THEATER (SIDEWALK) - NIGHT
A long line of people leads up to the front door of the State Theater. Toward the middle, VINCENT DESHANE stands, sticking out like a sore thumb. He pulls out a film camera and snaps a picture of something further down the line.
VINCENT (V.O.)
Friday night. I was on a typical job, keeping tabs on two-thirds of a romantic triangle.
Further down the line, a GUY and GIRL stand innocuously together. Vincent snaps another picture of them.
VINCENT (CONT’D)
The other third wanted to know if he could trust his other half. It’s dull work, but I get paid in advance, and movies are a business expense.
Vincent readies another shot, when a hand grabs the camera by the lens and pushes it down.
VINCENT (CONT’D)
Hey!
LUCY
What are you doing here, DeShane?
VINCENT
Just taking in some cinema, officer.
Vincent begins grinning. Facing away from the guy and girl, he gestures toward them with his head.
LUCY
Words, DeShane.
VINCENT (whispered)
The couple, six people up.
A beat, as Lucy looks down at the guy and girl, who are laughing together in a non-suspicious fashion.
LUCY
Jesus, DeShane, do you have any shame?
2.
VINCENT
Once I catch these two locking lips, I’ll be able to buy some.
Vincent flippantly holds the camera over his shoulder and snaps a picture. Lucy looks disgusted.
VINCENT (CONT’D)
I’ll keep the flash off during the movie. Promise.
Lucy walks away from Vincent, further back down the line.
VINCENT (V.O.) (CONT’D) That’s Lucy Diamond. One of our city’s finest, and a needle in my back. Get her on edge, and she’s likely to scratch me up a bit.
Lucy reenters the line, grabbing the hand of her GIRLFRIEND in the process. Vincent turns around as the line suddenly moves forward.
VINCENT (V.O.) (CONT’D) But when she falls into my groove...
(laughs)
We tend to make real beautiful music together.
INT. STATE THEATER (LOBBY)
Vincent, from across the lobby, watches through the viewer of his camera as the guy and girl enter the first theater. He snaps a few pictures as they walk in.
Vincent turns to face the concession stand. Based on the line behind him, he has been holding up the concession stand line for awhile. He maintains his “cool” as he begins to order.
VINCENT
(to Employee)
Hey.
The employee frowns.
INT. STATE THEATER (THEATER 1)
As the movie flickers on screen, Vincent sits with a gigantic bag of popcorn in the back row. Ten rows ahead, the guy and girl sit. Vincent snaps more pictures of them.
3.
Two silhouettes stand up and begin walking out of the theater holding hands. Just before exiting, light catches the two silhouettes, revealing them to be Lucy and her girlfriend.
After a few moments, the guy kisses the girl. She kisses him back passionately. Vincent grins as he snaps a rapid succession of pictures.
VINCENT (whispered, to self)
Jackpot.
Beat. He lowers the camera slightly and laughs quietly to himself.
VINCENT (CONT’D) (whispered, to self)
This could make a nice flip book.
Vincent increases the speed of his picture-taking. Suddenly, the film gets quiet, and the sound of Vincent’s camera clicking fills the theater.
The guy and girl stop kissing, and the guy nervously scan the theater for the source of the noise. Vincent pulls his camera down out of sight, but knocks his gigantic bag of popcorn to the floor in the process.
VINCENT (CONT’D)
Ah, damn it.
Aware that many eyes are on him, Vincent sneaks his camera into the empty popcorn bag. He then cautiously makes his way down the theater stairs, his footsteps registering in the uncomfortable silence.
VINCENT (V.O.) (CONT’D) The downside to having a good eye, and impeccable timing, is this.
As Vincent approaches the theater door, he hears a woman scream in the lobby.
VINCENT (V.O.) (CONT’D) You can’t take two steps out of someone’s life before leaving your footprints in someone else’s.
He runs out into the lobby.
4.
INT. STATE THEATER (LOBBY)
A small gathering of people, several employees and a couple customers, crowd around the entrance to the men’s room. They are nervously chattering amongst themselves. Vincent approaches, popcorn bag in hand.
VINCENT
Out of the way!
The crowd, confused and distraught, doesn’t move.
VINCENT (CONT’D)
I said out of the way!
Vincent pushes his way through the small crowd and into the bathroom.
INT. STATE THEATER (MEN’S BATHROOM)
Propped in the corner of the bathroom is the body of a hip young man. His face is blue, his body is limp, and a pair of skinny jeans are wrapped tightly around his neck. An unlit, black clove cigarette hangs, loosely held, from his lips.
Vincent approaches the body, and crouches down in front of it. As he studies it, he slyly pulls his camera from the popcorn bag and turns the flash on. He holds the camera over his shoulder and snaps a picture of the crowd, blinding them.
VINCENT
Sorry!
Vincent pulls the clove cigarette out of the victim’s mouth. Marking the cigarette is a small symbol: a black pair of scissors.
LUCY (O.S.)
Police! Everyone out of the way!
Vincent quickly slides the cigarette behind his ear.
LUCY (O.S.) (CONT’D) Are you deaf, or do you want me to shove my badge down your throat? Move!
Lucy bursts through the crowd and into the bathroom. She is holding her badge in one hand, and is adjusting her clothing with her other hand. Her lipstick is smudged and her hair is slightly matted.
5.
Lucy sees the body, and quickly takes note of the scene. She approaches the body, and crouches right next to Vincent.
LUCY (CONT’D)
DeShane, what are you doing?
Vincent cracks a smile.
VINCENT
Just helping to maintain the peace, since you were...
He gives her a once-over.
VINCENT (CONT’D)
A bit preoccupied.
Lucy angrily grabs Vincent by the arm and drags him through the crowd, back out into the lobby.
INT. STATE THEATER (LOBBY)
LUCY
Cut the BS, DeShane. I do NOT need you undermining me.
VINCENT
Hey, not so rough! And I was here before you were, Lucy.
LUCY
You were, huh?
She twists his arm.
LUCY (CONT’D) Another DeShane stroke of luck,
huh? I don’t buy it! This happens way too often to be mere coincidence.
VINCENT
If you’re implying that I took that guy off the payroll, well, we’ve got a whole theater worth of witnesses that made eyes at me while you were engaged in your little tryst. Now let go of my arm!
Vincent shakes his arm free of Lucy’s grip. He adjusts his clothing.
6.
VINCENT (CONT’D) Well, I think I’ve seen all the
excitement I need for the evening.
Vincent turns and begins walking away.
LUCY
Hey, you’re not going anywhere ‘til
I get your statement!
VINCENT
You know where to find me, Lucy.
LUCY
(yelled)
That’s Officer Diamond!
Vincent offers a slight wave of his hand in acknowledgement as he walks down the stairs. Lucy glares at him with the fury of the gods.
LUCY (CONT’D) (yelled)
Will someone get me a phone?
EXT. STATE THEATER (SIDEWALK)
Vincent exits the front door of the State Theater. He leans up against a brick wall close to the entrance. As he leans, several hipster bike cops pull up on fixed gears.
VINCENT (V.O.)
Two days later, Lucy came knocking, but she was singing a different tune. One about needing my help with a little whodunit, finding the man who earned the nickname of the Skinny Jean Strangler.
Vincent reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter and an antique cigarette case. The case is labelled “EVIDENCE”.
VINCENT (V.O.) (CONT’D) I even heard a lyric or two about throwing a few government dimes my way.
Vincent opens the cigarette case. Inside, there are three other clove cigarettes, perfect matches of the one found on the body, and one normal cigarette.
Vincent puts the one from the body in the case, and takes the regular one and puts it between his lips.
7.
VINCENT (V.O.) (CONT’D) And that I couldn’t say no to, at least after the photos from my last case failed to develop.
He laughs to himself.
VINCENT (V.O.) (CONT’D) No flash in a dark theater? That’s why I don’t play by the book.
(Beat.)
Anyone can read it.
Vincent lights his cigarette as more hipster bike cops pull up. They run inside.
THE
